Counting
by Callie Elizabeth
Summary: **Warning: This story has a suicidal theme** When Remy makes a desperate decision will anyone be there to stop him? Please note that this story is no longer being updated
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own and am not affiliated with anything X-Men. I'm just borrowing them temporarily

Warning: contains suicidal thoughts

**Counting**

Logan was fast asleep when the sound of his window opening woke him. The cold air rushed inside before the window quickly closed again as if it had never been opened. If it had been opened in any other room the occupant would never have heard it at all. Only Logan's sensitive ears could have picked up the sound.

"Hey kid," he said without opening his eyes. He was surprised to find Gambit breaking into his room in the middle of the night, but he figured that he must have a good reason. When Remy didn't reply right away Logan opened his eyes and looked towards the window that the thief had entered through.

Remy trembled slightly as he stood staring out the window that he had just entered. His hands were still pressed against the wood as he already contemplated leaving. He knew it had been a mistake the moment he set foot in the room. Now he just had to decide whether it would be better to stay and face Logan immediately or leave ashamed.

Logan was getting worried as he watched Remy stand unmoving by the window. Ever since Remy had mysteriously returned to the mansion he hadn't really talked to the kid. Things were different; Cyclops had sent Remy to live at the boathouse. Logan understood the reasons; he had heard them explained many different times in many different ways. However he couldn't get himself to believe any of them. Remy was being punished for not living up to the illusion of perfection that the others had decided he needed to live up too. They were all hypocrites. He wasn't any better; he allowed it to continue by only halfheartedly disagreeing.

"Remy?" he said the name hesitantly. Remy looked like he was going to bolt at any moment and Logan wanted to at least try to figure out why he had come before that happened.

Remy turned to him slowly, his face was lit only by the moonlight and it made the kid look eerie. Logan saw the light reflect off tear stained cheeks and he wondered why he hadn't immediately smelled the kid's tears. "Sorry Logan," Remy said as he began to reopen the window, "I'll go."

"Kid wait," Logan stopped him from leaving immediately. "What's wrong?" He realized the ridiculousness of the question as soon as it left his lips but it had been too late to take it back. He heard Remy's painful chuckle sound across the room and finally smelled his salty tears as the wind once again blew into the room. "Close the window kid and come here," Logan demanded.

Remy obliged, it was after all what he had come for. He walked across the room hesitantly with his eyes staring desperately at the floor. He swallowed hard as he reached Logan's bed and forced himself to look up at the man. He hadn't wiped the tears from his face, nor had he acknowledged their presence at all. They had become so natural to him that he hardly noticed them anymore. He was tormented both night and day for crimes that he had committed either unintentionally or not at all. It was the price he had to pay for being the son of the devil.

It unnerved Logan that Remy had hardly spoken. In the past the kid had been so talkative that it was almost impossible to get him to stop. Now ever since they had abandoned him they couldn't get the kid to talk any more then absolutely necessary. "Nightmares?" Logan questioned as gently as he was able to.

Remy nodded. He had only come to Logan a handful of times before, the first time Logan had insisted on it when he was awoken by Remy's screaming a few years ago. He had given Remy an open invitation to come in if it was ever necessary. It was an invitation that Logan would have given anyone in the mansion. His relationship with Remy wasn't anything special. He hardly considered them to be friends, but Logan understood nightmares and he would never turn anyone away if he could help.

Logan pulled back the covers on his bed and gestured for Remy to lie down. Remy hesitated but not because he was afraid of the man. He bit his lip in contemplation as he slipped his shoes off his feet and his coat off his shoulders. His eyes were downcast sadly and he felt unsure of his decision to come. "I ain't writing you an invitation," Logan said roughly, but Remy could sense gentleness behind the words.

He nodded sadly and lay down on the bed. Remy stared up at the ceiling as Logan stared at him. The minutes went by slowly as if they were hours. The silence of the room was disturbing to Logan. To Remy however the room was filled with sounds that he cherished, sounds that had been taken from him and made forbidden. The sound of Logan's breathing next to him made it easy to mimic the steadiness that he had almost forgotten. The sound of the clock on the wall ticking was a welcome distraction compared to the stillness of the boathouse.

The warmth of the room was amazing to Remy as well. Not just the amazingly warm flannel sheets and pile of blankets that Logan had, but the warmth of the air itself was a welcome change. The wind didn't blow straight through the window and the heat kept the entire room a comfortable temperature. He didn't have to sit so close to a fire that it could singe him at any moment. He hated the boathouse.

Remy was aware of Logan's continued stare but he was unable to do anything about it. He had no plans of talking to the man and he didn't feel bad for simply using him for a warm bed and a good night's sleep. Logan had offered this to him years ago and tonight he needed it more than anything. He would be gone in the morning and they could both pretend that it had never happened.

"You can talk to me kid," Logan offered and Remy could tell he was annoyed with his quietness but he honestly had nothing to say to the older man. Remy turned towards Logan slowly and the two stared at each other for several long minutes.

"Just want to sleep," Remy whispered as he continued to stare at Logan.

Logan nodded in acceptance and watched the younger man roll away from him. He continued to stare at Remy's back until he realized that the man's breathing had evened out and he was genuinely asleep. Logan was sure that things would be no different in the morning. Remy would go back to the boathouse and Logan would go on with his life. He was willing to offer this small comfort for one night because he knew that only desperation would have brought Remy to him and he wasn't able to turn his back on someone that desperate.

Both men fell asleep that night with the intention of waking before the other. Unfortunately both men were awoken at the same time by the shriek of another X-Man, or X-Women in this case. Rogue had been sent up to find Wolverine when he hadn't responded to Scott's page earlier. It wasn't much of a secret that Logan sometimes turned his com off at night, he would know if there was an actual emergency before anyone else did anyways. He didn't need to be woken up for a spontaneous early morning workout session by the fearless leader.

Remy scrambled off the bed and was halfway out the window before Logan tried to stop him. Rogue's shriek had alerted half the household and they quickly flooded the hall outside of Logan's room. "Everyone out now," he growled and everyone complied. He slammed the door forcefully and punched it in frustration. He didn't like his privacy being invaded by anyone and just now the entire mansion had been peeking into his room as if he was some sort of display.

Damn Cajun had to drag him into the kid's mess. Truthfully Logan realized he should have dragged himself into the mess long ago, or at least someone should have. He had hoped to catch Remy this morning before the kid fled and get him to talk.

Remy fled to the boathouse as fast as his feet would carry him. He had forgotten his shoes and coat in Logan's room so by the time he made it across the grounds and into the boathouse he was freezing. It was September in New York so the fall air was crisp and the ground was hard. He started a fire quickly and wrapped himself in several blankets before settling to huddle around it. He regretted his decision, a few hours of peaceful sleep hadn't been worth the price he was going to pay. He realized that Logan would come looking for him soon enough and the man had every right to be angry at him. Remy wouldn't fight him; he would accept whatever punishment Logan felt he deserved.

Remy had always considered himself a survivor. Not like the fake show on TV where people ate rice for a few weeks to win money, but a true survivor. The kind of survivor that could not only make it through any situation he found himself in, but he could rise above it. It had started before he even knew the meaning of the word, hell it may even have been before he learned English. His native tongue of Cajun French had served as his only form of communication during his youngest years. He no longer considered himself a survivor though. Life had become a chore to him now and he had very little hope of that ever changing.

Logan dressed quickly; he was determined to walk into the danger room for practice as if nothing had happened. In his mind nothing had, he wasn't going to let one night of comforting the Cajun ruin his place on the team. He didn't care how selfish that seemed. He would deal with the kid later and explain that it couldn't happen again. Remy would understand; Logan was sure of it.

He walked into the danger room and everyone's eyes turned to him. "Are we going to start or what?" He asked annoyed as he released his claws for an added affect.

"Glad you could join us," Cyclops replied irritated.

Logan smiled when he heard it, everything was back to normal. That's what he wanted he tried to convince himself. That's what he needed to happen because if it didn't he would be outcast from the only family he had ever considered himself a part of. It was hard to concentrate on the training exercise when he was constantly plagued with guilt.

When Remy was finally able to stop shivering he moved to the kitchen to make some tea. He had given up eating a while ago when he stopped being able to keep anything down. The fight wasn't worth the effort. He survived on tea and sometimes crackers when he could no longer stand the empty hunger. That was alright with him, it actually made things easier. He never had to go to the mansion for supplies and for that he was immensely thankful.

He filled the teakettle with water and set it on the stove before opening the cabinet to retrieve a teabag. He was so accustomed to their place that he hardly ever needed to look into the cabinet and it was only by accident that he had done it this time. He smiled at the site before him as a bottle of sleeping pills stared at him. He had forgotten about them. Hank had given them to him weeks ago, but Remy refused to use them because he didn't like the helpless feeling that they invoked in him. Today they seemed to make him feel hopeful instead. He knew the devil was ready to welcome him home.

Logan went to the locker room for a shower the moment Cyclops dismissed them. He growled at anyone who tried to approach him. It was only when he excited the locker room and found Ororo standing gracefully next to the wall that he gave anyone his attention. "'Ro," he acknowledged her and she understood it as an invitation to talk.

"Why did Remy come to you?" she asked him sadly. She had not fully forgiven him yet but her love for her brother had not faded either. She couldn't bring herself to support him because his betrayal had hurt her so deeply, but she couldn't help worrying about him.

"I don't know," Logan confessed, "he didn't say."

"I am worried," Ororo stated.

"He can take care of himself 'Ro," Logan encouraged.

She nodded, "you're right," she agreed. She smiled at him and walked away. She truly agreed with Logan's statement, they had no reason to help the young man.

Logan hadn't wanted her to agree with him so quickly.

Remy didn't open the bottle immediately; instead he set it down on the counter and reached for the teabag that had been his original target. He removed a mug from the drying rack and waited for the teakettle to whistle. He stared at the bottle again, it was so inviting that his eyes watered at the prospect of what it had to offer; an end to everything. The survivor in him had always rebelled against thoughts such as this, but he now understood that the survivor in him had ceased to exist after Antarctica.

The sound of the teakettle's whistle broke him of his thoughts and he carefully poured the hot liquid into his ready mug. He clutched the mug tightly, savoring the warmth that it offered him. He held the mug in one hand and picked up the sleeping pills with the other. He returned to the living room and once again huddled in the chair he had moved by the fire. He hid the pills from himself under his pile of blankets and watched the fire thoughtlessly for sometime while he savored his beloved tea.

Logan's guilt led him to the medlab in hopes of finding Hank. It was a pretty easy task as he spotted him immediately upon walking into the lab. "Logan, to what do I owe this unexpected visit?" Hank asked cheerfully.

"Why doesn't the kid train with us anymore Hank?" Logan asked directly.

"I cannot break doctor-patient confidentiality Logan, but Remy has not been cleared for active duty," Hank informed him.

Logan nodded, he had already figured that much out. "I don't care about the confidentiality, are you doing anything to help the kid?" Logan asked.

"Remy has refused to have an examination, without that I cannot be of much assistance," Hank explained.

"Damn," Logan muttered. Why did the kid have to choose his bed to crawl into? Now he had no choice but to get involved.

Remy determined that he didn't regret his decision the night before. His nightmares had driven him to Logan's room before he had been able to think it through. However, now in the light of day he realized that it was his way of giving the world one last chance. He brought the bottle of pills out from their location under his pile of blankets and stared at the bottle intently. His breathing quickened as he tried to make a decision. He opened the bottle and saw that most of the bottle was full. It would surely be enough.

Logan knew he had no choice but he put off going to see the kid immediately as he grabbed a beer and sat down to watch hockey instead. The kid had been back for months without his intervention, a few more hours wouldn't hurt. He lost himself in the game and hardly gave Remy another thought. Warren and Bobby had joined him at some point and the two seemed content to not talk about the morning's event. Logan was pretty sure he could just pretend it didn't happen.

Remy couldn't decide. He had been staring at the bottle of pills all afternoon and he still couldn't decide. The fire was dying and he realized he had to put another log onto it. He screwed the cap back on the bottle and set it down next to his mug on the floor. He had some logs already stacked up inside the boathouse and he added one of them to his dying fire.

When he was finished he sat down on the floor by the fire instead of on the chair. A thought came to his mind as he once again stared at the bottle. He stood up and retrieved a plate from the kitchen before returning to the floor. He opened the bottle again quickly and spilled the contents onto the plate in front of him. He made up his mind to let fate make the decision. He would count the pills, if there was an even number then he would flush them. But if there was an odd number he would accept his fate and leave this sad existence. A rush of excitement reddened his cheeks.

Logan had almost forgotten about his earlier decision to pay Remy a visit. The game had been exciting and afterwards he had been talked into a few rounds of cards with some of the other X-Men. They didn't seem to be holding anything against him and Logan was tempted to go along with it. Unfortunately his conscience got the best of him and he headed towards the boathouse.

Remy counted the pills slowly because he enjoyed the anticipation of deciding his fate by chance. He wasn't sure what he was hoping for. After each pill he changed his mind and his stomach knotted a little more. His eyes were wet but nothing leaked down his cheeks. He had to remind himself to breath every few seconds for fear that he may pass out before completing his task. He was running out of pills and forced himself not to count any faster.

Logan walked painfully slowly across the mansion grounds. He contemplated turning around several times but was able to convince himself that someone needed to talk to the kid and unfortunately it looked like no one else was willing to do it. He had no idea what he would say to Remy once he actually got out there.

Remy's hands shook as he counted the last few pills and realized that fate agreed with him. Today was the day he would die, he had been so happy with the thought earlier but now he frowned. Maybe it wasn't what he wanted after all. He decided to recount.

Logan walked into the boathouse without knocking and crossed through the entryway and into the living room where he found Remy recounting his pills. "What are you doing kid?" He asked loudly.

Remy wasn't startled he had heard Logan enter, "counting," he replied without looking up.


	2. Chapter 2

****Warning: This story has a suicidal theme****

Logan walked into the boathouse without knocking and crossed through the entryway and into the living room where he found Remy recounting his pills. "What are you doing kid?" He asked loudly.

Remy wasn't startled, "counting," he replied without looking up.

Logan was suddenly frozen by Remy's reply. This wasn't what he thought he'd find when he decided to come to the boathouse. Remy hadn't stopped so he was forced to watch the boy as he continued hovering over a plateful of pills. "Stop," Logan finally forced the word to come out of his mouth.

"Huh?" Remy asked as he looked up for the first time. Only then had he realized the importance of Logan's presence.

"I said stop," Logan repeated as he crouched down before the younger man and reached for the plate.

"Non," Remy shouted as he grabbed hold of the plate with both hands. Sleeping pills rolled off the sides as the two struggled for control. "Go 'way!" Remy demanded with wide, determined eyes.

"Not a chance kiddo," Logan replied as he finally managed to rip the plate out of Remy's hands. Sleeping pills scattered all over the floor, but the majority of them had managed to stay on the plate that Logan now carried away.

"NO!" Remy shouted as he reached over Logan's shoulder and grabbed a handful. He smiled at his accomplishment and opened his mouth as he raised his hand in hopes that he had managed to grab enough.

"Remy stop," Logan urged as he watched the younger man bring the fistful up to his parted lips. Logan dropped the plate and moved to grab Remy's arm when his words had no affect on the other man.

He managed to force Remy's hands down to his sides and eventually behind his back. "Why you stop me?" Remy asked brokenly as tears streamed freely down his face. Remy struggled against his grip and tried to twist free. His lack of strength was his undoing because normally he would be able to struggle his way out of the hold.

"You can't really want to do this Remy," Logan explained as he grabbed his chin and forced Remy to look at him while still pinning Remy's wrists with the other.

"Want it more than anything," Remy assured him. He was angry that Logan had interrupted him when he was so close to ending everything. He didn't want to hurt anymore; he couldn't take the isolation anymore. He wanted it all to end; he needed it all to end.

The admission made Logan sick as he realized how brutally honest it was. Logan pulled Remy closer as he pried open the hand that still held a fistful of pills. When he heard the pills hit the floor he let go of the younger man's wrists and wrapped his arms around Remy tightly.

Remy's sobs shook Logan's body as his tears soaked his shirt. He rubbed Remy's back gently, but remained silent because he didn't have a clue what he should say. Eventually Remy grew quiet and still against him, but Logan didn't release him. Logan kept rubbing his back gently as he tried to figure out what to do.

Remy didn't fight the embrace, the contact was much needed and he was going to cling to it as long as possible. He closed his eyes and pretended that Logan might actually care. He knew it wasn't true; he was just trying to save the X-Men the trouble that would be caused if Remy killed himself in the boathouse.

Remy was the first to break the silence, "I won't do it on the grounds," he offered. He didn't attempt to pull out of Logan's arms as he spoke.

"Remy," Logan said his name quietly as he closed his eyes. This was too much for him, his own guilt was about to drown him. They had done this, the X-Men; every single one of them was responsible. Logan included himself in the assessment.

"Just let me go and I promise I won't come back," Remy explained. "Won't cause no more trouble. You can pretend I never been here," he suggested. It was the best solution that Remy could think of. He should have remembered that Logan would probably come to the boathouse to punish him for breaking into the mansion the night before. He should have left with his pills and found a dumpy motel to end his life in. It's where he deserved to die anyways.

Logan's eyes became wet at the words and the meaning behind them. "I ain't letting you go anywhere kid," he informed Remy.

"Why?" Remy asked with a quivering voice. "Can't live like this no more," he insisted. He could be no more truthful with Logan then that statement.

"I'm sorry I never noticed how much we hurt ya Rem," Logan admitted. He needed to convince Remy to trust him enough to come back to the mansion. He needed to get Remy out of the boathouse immediately and he wasn't sure how to do it.

"It's alright," Remy lied, "just let me go." As soon as Logan released him he planned on running. The feral may be able to catch him but Remy had to at least try to get away. There was no way he was going to let them mess with him even more. He knew they hated him and he didn't want them pretending otherwise. It would all be fake and he had no desire to watch them pretend.

"I can't let you go kiddo," Logan insisted. He knew that Remy was ready to make a run for it, but he didn't want the boy to get away or get hurt. So he held on.

"Why?" Remy pleaded again, this time bringing his eyes to look at Logan's face. He finally struggled in Logan's embrace as he realized nothing else was working.

Logan stilled him easily and Remy let his head fall against Logan's shoulder. "Tired kiddo?" Logan asked gently.

"Always tired," Remy admitted accidently.

"Let's go back to the mansion and get some sleep then," Logan suggested.

"Not gonna go back there," Remy insisted even as his body no longer offered much fight.

"Okay, let's go upstairs then," Logan offered as an alternative.

"Why?" Remy asked slightly dazed by the comfort he felt from being held.

"So you can sleep," Logan replied.

"Ain't nowhere to sleep up there," Remy replied.

"Where do you sleep then Rem?" Logan asked in disbelief.

"Da couch," Remy explained. He buried his face in the older man's shoulder and clung to hold him close. Logan's steady heartbeat was comforting and the way his hands soothed his back made Remy drowsy. He couldn't stop himself from getting lost in the contact. He had been denied it for so long.

"Why didn't you tell anyone?" Logan asked. It wasn't a necessary question; no one would have listened even if Remy had told them.

Remy shrugged. He was unsure why Logan would ask him that. He didn't think anyone would have cared; they would just have laughed at him for complaining. He hardly left the boathouse, so he didn't have that much interaction with anyone anyways. "Figured I didn't deserve nothin more," he admitted after a few minutes. "Have a roof, and a fireplace, and runnin water, more dan dis Cajun had in the past."

Logan was saddened by the admission. "You deserve more kid," Logan told him.

"Sorry 'bout last night," Remy whispered. He was reluctant to bring it up because he didn't want Logan to push him away, but he needed to apologize before he lost the opportunity.

"Nothin to be sorry about," Logan insisted. Had Remy not come to the mansion the night before then Logan wouldn't have gone out at the boathouse in time to stop him. Fate had interfered in the best way imaginable. "I gotta take you to the mansion now," Logan insisted.

"Non," Remy objected once again. "You can go," he offered, "no reason for you to stay here." Remy reluctantly tried to pull away from Logan as he offered the man a way to walk away.

"I can't do that Cajun," Logan informed him once again. He knew he couldn't leave the kid alone, but standing in the middle of the boathouse refusing to let him go wasn't going to help him either. He glanced around the room trying to think of a solution, even if it was simply temporary. He heard Remy yawn and felt him once again lay his head down on his shoulder. "Why don't you lie down on the couch and take a nap?" he suggested.

"Okay," Remy agreed and Logan was fairly certain the agreement was only because he had very little choice at this point, he was going to fall asleep from exhaustion either way.

Remy couldn't keep his eyes open so he allowed Logan to walk them both over to the couch and he laid down without a fight. He didn't want to fall asleep, but no matter what he did he could not get his head to clear. He felt Logan place a blanket on top of him and it was his undoing.

Logan watched him suspiciously in case the boy was simply faking in order to trick him. When Remy's breathing evened out Logan realized he was honestly asleep. He walked towards the phone prepared to call Hank when a crunching sound brought his attention back to the floor. Tears filled the man's eyes as he finally accepted that this hadn't been a mistake, Remy had purposely tried to kill himself. He walked into the kitchen still listening intently for any change in Remy's breathing as he searched for a broom. The plate that he had dropped earlier had shattered all over the floor.

He cleaned the mess up and flushed the pills down the toilet with shaking hands. He returned to Remy's side and watched the boy sleep. Even in sleep he was restless, eyebrows furrowed while he tossed and turned. He wanted to pick him up and take him to the mansion, but even he doubted that the X-Men would care.

He wished that the Professor was here, but they weren't sure where the man was. He lifted the phone and took a chance as he began to call Hank. He needed someone's help and figured that the doctor would be his best bet. Remy's screams stopped him mid dial and he placed the phone back in its cradle.

Remy awoke from his nightmare panting, he couldn't remember what it was about and he was thankful for that. He tried to calm his breathing as he realized he was in the boathouse. He became aware of footsteps approaching and turned fear filled eyes towards the sound. Perhaps his nightmare wasn't over was the only thought that ran through his mind.

Logan almost chocked on the stench of fear that was radiating from Remy as he reentered the room. He looked into the fear filled eyes and was almost sick as he worried that Remy was scared of him. He may not have ever been friends with the kid, but he hadn't ever tried to hurt him either. He was relieved when the panic and fear subsided as he entered further into the room.

* * *

A/N: I originally intended for this story to remain a one-shot. However, thanks to some requests for me to continue, I have given in. Please note that I am no longer updating this story. A Dark sequal named The Road Here can be found on my website. Thanks for reading.

~Callie


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